Addiction
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: They're all hurting, even if they don't know that everyone else feels the same, even if they don't understand each other's addictions. But an addictions an addiction, and it all hurts the same. Team fiction.
1. Spencer Reid: A shot

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did then JJ and Hotch would be together.**

**A/N: This story is a set of one shots (kind of) based on different members of the team. **

_~ A shot to kill the pain ~ _

Spencer Reid looked down at his arm, the needle shaking in his hand as he bit down on his lip; _Could he really go back to this life? _He shook his head at the thought, trying to tell himself that it was just the once, he would never do it again – he just _needed _it right now, he **wanted **it more than anything else.

He heaved a deep sigh, closing his eyes before piercing the needle into his skin – _just like he had done so many times before. _His heart pace quickened as he felt that familiar feeling wash over him.

It was as though he was breathing for the first time, seeing things right for the first time, hearing it all correctly – he was on top of the world for once. He wasn't Spencer Reid anymore, he was _someone. _He wasn't that nerd that everyone would laugh at, he was someone else, _someone different, _someone **better.**

He inhaled sharply, his breath shaking a little as he looked around the room, smiling a little before relaxing back into the couch. He laughed to himself quietly, his fingers lightly tracing the fresh needle mark, _they were all_ _too easy to hide. _

Reid looked down at his hands, shaking his head at the blurred version before closing them once more and leaning back, a smile still on his face as, for what seemed like the first time in ages, he felt.. **nothing. **

_No guilt. No pain. No fear. No sadness. No panic. No chaos. Nothing. _

**Just this once; **he kept telling himself, **I won't let myself do this again. **But he knows that as soon as he comes _back down _it will start all over again – the longing, the need, the want. It will all come back and he will be sitting in this exact same place, telling himself it was just one more time, he wouldn't do it again. _Just the second time... just the fifth time, just the twentieth time... _

He's lost, he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know _how _to love, he doesn't know _who _to be. He wants to be Spencer Reid – some people seem to like him that way – but the years of bullying has changed him too much, Tobias was just the person who supplied him with the drugs to get rid of all those feelings of inadequacy. _Tobias had never been the cause. His job had never been the reason. _It was him – there was something wrong with _him. _

He bit down on his lip as he thought about it, _there had always been something wrong with __him. _He had never been capable of fitting in with those around him, _just his mother. _He accepted the bullying all his life, trying his best to tell himself that none of it mattered because he was going to be so much better than them when he was older. _But now look at where he is. _

The flash of anger comes quickly, his hand grabbing the closest thing to him – a glass – throwing it across the room in an instant, smiling at the sound of smashing glass before settling back down.

He has everything, _friends, a life, a job _and yet, one moment of weakness and he's back to where he started. He's back to that scared little boy, who nobody really cared for. He's back to the life that he hated. He's back to little Spencer Reid, the nerd who everyone liked to pick on.

But after all, an addiction is an addiction – it all hurts the same.

**A/N: Review! The next chapter will be Morgan and so on. Let me know if you want me to carry on with this. **


	2. Derek Morgan: A pill

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

_~ "A pill to drain the shame." ~ _

Morgan stared down at the pill in his hand, wondering how such a small thing could bring him so much comfort. His head shook as he thought about it, his eyes closing a little as he tried his best to resist that sweet surrender.

His hand shook a little as he set the pill down on the table in front of him, leaning back on his couch, his eyes closed as he tried his best to forget about it. _The whole thing was messed up, he wasn't supposed to be like this. _He bit down on his lip, tapping the arm of the couch as he tried to think of ways to distract himself from that **minor **addiction.

**M I N O R; **his hands _weren't _shaking, his mind wasn't _just _on that pill, his heart wasn't _thumping _and his palms weren't _sweating. _He did **n o t **need that pill, he didn't need any of them – at least, he didn't _think _he did.

He wasn't **addicted, **it was nothing more than a habit that he could kick at any given time, right? He nodded his head in agreement with his own thoughts, he was strong enough to resist.... but just **o n e **more time, just the one pill.

His hands reached out for them, grabbing more than one pill – _may as well go all out if it's your last time, surely? _He bit down on his lip before gulping them down all at once, smiling when the shaking seemed to ease off quickly.

He closed his eyes, smiling this time as he lay his head back on the couch. _He was stressed. _That was his favourite excuse to use; he _needed _the pills to stop himself from breaking down every night after everything he has seen when on a case.

In all truth, he takes the pills to stop himself from thinking about his childhood. He takes those pills to stop himself from thinking about it happening to others. He takes those pills to tell himself that it will all be okay because he is _strong. _The pills help him; until he shoots back down from them. They make it all so much worse.

He can feel that **peace **rushing through his body once more; he finally feels like something is right. But of course; he is _not _**a d d I c t e d, **of course not. He shakes his head, laughing a little at the thought – he was not an addict to the need; he didn't need any of this. He just _wanted _it.

He gulped a little as he felt himself reaching out for more, worried that maybe his _want _could turn into a **need **and then where would he be? _Where he is right now?_

He looked around his empty apartment, the darkness adding to his mood as he popped some more pills into his mouth._Those pills just keep pouring in. _He wonders what defines an addiction, laughing loudly suddenly when he thinks about Reid – he would be able to tell him exactly what an addiction is; how you would see the signs. Everything,

He shook his head when the laughter died; _an addictions an addiction, it all hurts the same. _And he was hurting – he was hurting all the time, even though he never would show it outside those four walls. He was supposed to be strong; he was going to keep up that image for as long as possible.


	3. Jennifer Jareau: A purge

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

_~ "A purge to stop the gain." ~ _

She caught her reflection in the mirror, her eyes dull as she tried to furiously wipe away the tears that had found their way down her pale face, sliding down her dry skin before meeting her lips, leaving the slight taste of salt as she bit down on her lip.

She shook her head, willing the tears to stop falling for once, she just wanted it all to end. Her hands shook as she lifted them up slowly, reaching out for the girl in the mirror, the one looking back at her – she wanted to help her, it didn't settle in that it was her.

She let her fingers gently trace over the girl looking back at her, their eyes meeting as she tried to hold in the sobs, her body slightly shaking from the effort before she turned away, her eyes meeting with the porcelain bowl to which she had become so well acquainted with.

She bit down on her tongue lightly, her feet taking her to her destination before her mind could even consider the consequences of doing it _here. _She looked around, a small frown on her face, this was where she _worked, _her best friends were here – and look at what she was about to do. Could she do it here?

But then she knew she had to do. She had to do it; _chinesechinesechinese _the thoughts ran through her head, causing her to stumble a little, banging her back against the cubicle door, taking deep, shaking breaths as she tried to think of something else, _anything else. _

_Chinesechinesechinese; _she hadn't meant to have it, she didn't mean to give in, she just wanted to fit in. She wanted people to think she was normal; things were getting too hard. Her hands shook too much now as she quickly ran into the cubicle, slamming the door behind her as hard as she could and locking it.

Her eyes closed as she put her head on the cold wall, a deep sigh escaping her lips before she opened them again; her eyes wandering to that porcelain bowl that gave her so much _pleasure _and control but at the same time; _hurt and deceit. _

"I'm sorry." She whispered, mostly to herself, her feet taking her over to the bowl, her knees hitting the floor before she even knew it as she let her hand raise to her hair, brushing some out of her face and tying it back; _this was for the best. _

With one final shake of her head, letting out a small cry before her hands found their way to her mouth, _it had to be this way. _She bit down on her fingers at first, the tears pricking her eyes again as she tried to think of not doing it, _this was a punishment._

**DO IT JENNIFER. DO IT.**

She winced at the voice in her head, nodding at the invisible person that always seemed to be with her before finally completing her task. 

**&Again&Again&Again&Again&Again**

_Doituntilit'sallgoneJennifer_

You're never going to be good enough Jennifer

_**He's never going to see you for who you really are, Jennifer. **_

And as she pulls back, finally done, falling back onto the floor as she wipes her mouth – removing all evidence of what she can only describe as a crime. She realizes that it's all gone – hope, faith, last night's dinner, this mornings breakfast.... today's Chinese. _Everything is gone. _And she is empty; pure; clean.


	4. Emily Prentiss: A cut

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**~ Chapter Four ~ **

"_A cut to break the vein." _

Emily bit down on her lip, smiling when she felt blood dripping down her chin before looking down at her arm, her hand shook as she looked from the knife in her hand to her bleeding wrist.

She inhaled a deep breath, closing her eyes as the knife made contact with her pale and scarred skin once more. A slight moan of pain mixed with pleasure escaped her mouth as she felt the sharp blade pierce her skin, her eyes opened when she felt that familiar drop of blood falling onto her lap.

She shook her head, looking down at the newly acquired wound, her eyes filled with that burning passion as she longed to make even more. She knew she couldn't though, trying to push aside the thought, she would never be _satisfied. _

One. More. Cut. She bites down on her lip at the thought, tasting the blood in her mouth before nodding, _just one more. _She makes it quickly, letting the knife slide to the floor as she lets her arm drop, her eyes fixated on the three fresh cuts she had made.

Her eyes travel towards the scars, _one for each moment of pain. _And she nods, she almost laughs at the way JJ told her once that she didn't flinch at anything when they were at a crime scene. She had lied that day; just like she lied every single day, "I guess I compartmentalize better than most." Yeah, right.

No Emily, she told herself, you're just better at _lying. _She ran her fingers through her hair before grabbing a bandage she had placed so delicately next to her just twenty minutes before.

Her hand shook as she wrapped it around, not caring about infection or anything like that; _more pain? Worth it, right? _She looked around the small room she had managed to hide herself in, standing up for a second before closing her eyes; refusing to let herself cry.

She was good at covering up the truth, she was amazing at lying, she was talented when it came to pretending that everything was alright. She smiled at her reflection in the mirror, brushing her hair back and straightening out her clothes before pulling down her long sleeves.

She thought about the three from today; each of them symbolizing something different. _One for the little girl they lost today. The second for the parents pain. The third for the hatred she saw in each of her friends eyes. _And then it hit her – they were hurting just as much as she was. But, hey.. everyone has different ways of coping with it.


	5. David Rossi: A smoke

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**A/N: This is going to be so short, and probably pointless but yeah; I didn't really know what to put for smoking**

"**A smoke to ease the crave." **

Rossi brought the cigar to his lips, leaning back against the wall and sighing; at the end of a long day it was so much easier to kick back and relax and smoke. He shook his head, closing his eyes for a second as he thought about the case that week; it all seemed to be getting so much harder.

He bit down on his lip, thinking about it for a moment – the cases were always hard for him, but he had always been able to handle them, it was his _job. _But the people, his team members and as much as he hated to admit it – his _friends, _they got to him every day.

He noticed the change in them, it happened almost over night as they suddenly let the job get to them. One by one they changed; first Hotch, and then everyone else followed. He had seen their eyes change, the way JJ would stumble over her words sometimes when talking to press or the way Emily would avert her eyes away from a dead body – they had _changed. _

He sighed at the thought, not one of the team members were the same person they were back when he had met them; they had all changed so quickly and so suddenly. But he didn't know how, and he didn't know why.

Rossi brought the cigar back to his lips, breathing it in and then out again as he visibly relaxed; it was the only thing that did relax him these days. He bit down on his lip, wondering what the rest of the team did to relax any worries they had; assuming it was so much worse than anything he did.

He looked down at the floor, finally done before walking off and sighing; he had no idea what was going on but he sure as hell was going to find out.


	6. Aaron Hotchner: A drink

**Disclaimer: Me own nothing, no. **

_A drink to win the game ~ _

Hotch looked at the glass in front of him, his eyes almost closing, biting down on his lower lip as he reached for more of the burning liquor. He knew how wrong this whole thing was, the logical side of his brain telling him to put the drink down and just walk away but then the other side of him, was just telling him how much better he was going to feel, how much better he was feeling by the drink.

He shook his head and sighed, putting his hand on his forehead before bringing the drink to his lips again and quickly swallowing it. He shook his head, tilting his head back and groaning out loud. He knew how much of a headache he was going to have in the morning, but that still didn't stop him as he reached out for the bottle again, and again, and again.

He laughed bitterly to himself when he was done, walking to the other side of his office to collapse onto the couch, wishing he didn't have to do this to himself every time after a hard case.

He wished he didn't blame himself for everything and anything; the way his team was slowly dying, he laughed again and shook his head – they thought he didn't know, but he did, he knew everything that went on around him.

He observed them every single day, watching them sink deeper and deeper into a state of depression. He sighed at the thought, knowing he was doing the same, which was the only reason he had never said anything.

He would watch Rossi tap his foot in annoyance and then be running out the doors within the second, to have what he thought to be a _secret _smoke. He looked over at the bottle on his desk, Rossi smoking was the least of his problems.

He closed his eyes as he thought about the rest of his team, wishing the old team would come back, along with him – they had all gotten lost along the way, and none of them knew how to get back.

He opened his eyes to look at the photograph he had of all of them, smiling a little and then shaking his head, running his fingers through his hair. He wanted to go out there when they all got in tomorrow and tell them that he knew – that he understood, that he wanted to help them, if they could help him too.

He thought about Reid – the youngest member of the team – and frowned, he saw the way he would shake, his pale face, he knew exactly what was wrong with him, he knew how Reid would deal with any pain. He wasn't _stupid. _

Then there was Morgan, the problem was the same, just not as severe – he knew Morgan did it to feel good about himself, about his job. They all just wanted to forget what happened during the cases that seemed to be getting worse and worse. He noticed the distance in Morgan's eyes, the way his hand shook when he was getting ready to leave and go _home. _

And then Emily; he shuddered at the thought of those cuts he had seen running up her arm, just the once, she had never let a jacket slip up her arm again. He wondered if she knew that he had seen them, shaking the thought of, knowing she would have tried to explain them.

JJ... he _loved _her but of course she didn't know. The change in her was obvious, from the moment her husband left her, he saw something change in her. It wasn't long until it became obvious to him. He would watch her eat something, even an apple sometimes, and then nearly run into the nearest bathroom, coming back half an hour later with a smile on her face, just to prove to herself that she was fine.

He wanted to hold her in his arms, telling her that he knew, he wanted to look all of them in the eyes and tell them that he knew about all of them – that they were all hurting. But he knew he couldn't, it was their way of dealing with it and he knew that just telling them he knew about it wouldn't stop them.

He put his head back on the couch and heaved a deep sigh, _an addictions an addiction because it always hurts the same._

~ The End ~

**A/N: Review, good ending or not? **


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